FUN STAR: Chancellor’s personal email scandal could hurt presidential bid
By Sam Allen
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
Chancellor Brian Rogers exclusively used a personal e-mail account to conduct university business during his first four years as chancellor, Alaska State Department officials said earlier this month, and may have violated federal requirements that officials’ correspondence be retained as part of the university’s record.
“I tried to create a university e-mail for my position, but the Internet wouldn’t let me, it said there was already one created,” Rogers said.
He used his personal e-mail account for university matters, which is against policy according to Erik Seastedt, chief human resources manager for the UA system.
Since then, on the behest of legislators, professors and students alike Rogers has released all his business-related e-mails, nearly 30,000, to the state. However, he said he went through and deleted all of his personal e-mails and wiped the server clean.
Upon a third-party investigation, it was revealed that he had a university e-mail the whole time; it was just operated by someone other than himself.
Further investigation revealed that someone to be something and that something was the mustache on his face.
This was confirmed after hacking into the e-mail. Numerous e-mails were found about mustache wax, how to train your human and how to give rides.
“I fall asleep sometime every night, the mustache doesn’t sleep. It does what it does. I have no control over it,” he said.
In order to appease concerned community members, state and university officials, and protect his chances of becoming the next UA President, Rogers has agreed to shave off his mustache following the watermelon drop at SpringFest. The whiskers, which are rumored to have healing qualities, will then be put in a Mayan funerary urn, taken aboard the Sikuliaq and scattered over the next Pacific Ocean oil spill.