FUN STAR: Engineering building delayed due to lack of gender awareness
By Sam Allen
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
In the wake of Title IX compliance reviews and a soon to open gender- neutral living space in Bartlett Hall, the University of Alaska Fairbanks is once again blazing the happy trail.
Hoping to ignite a dialogue about gender and sexuality awareness, UAF announced that the new engineering building be the first on any college campus to contain both male and female genitalia.
“We’ve been criticized in the past for wasting space for plans to build individual buildings shaped like a penis or vagina. Now, we finally have a building that fits these two designs into each other,” Gamble said, using creative hand gestures and his mouth to appropriately demonstrate his meaning.
“UAF hopes to represent and respect all genders, even people who don’t identify with one in particular,” Marmian Grimes, UAF spokesperson, said.
The idea comes from the UAF Title IX office. Coordinator Mae Marsh teamed with the student health and counseling center to issue a survey gauging the need for the building and how it would increase sexual responsibility on campus. The survey was emailed to random students and the questions and results will not be released.
“We want other people to speak out about sexual responsibility and compliance, not us. We’ll just recommend stuff based on this ‘data’” Marsh said.
Only $8 million of the 24.6 million needed to finish the engineering building was requested from the state in the university’s latest budget proposal.
“That’s about enough for half a testicle and an outer lip, which would only benefit a handful of students,” Fairbanks legislator, Rep. Pete Kelly, said. “We have an opportunity to do something special and the university and legislators are dragging their feet on this.”
The building plans have gone through many redesigns, according to Scott Bell, senior project manager. Currently construction workers are at a standstill due to the faulty sprinkler system, which was set off when the temperatures reached a warm, but mild 50 degrees last weekend. “It’s premature to say the least, however, the insides of the building are designed to soak up most of the spillage.
“As the building enters it’s teenage years, it will probably decide to choose a gender identity, however with the Bunnell and Duckering buildings on either side, we’re not equipped to make an expansion one way or the other,” Bell said.
There is one major screw-up in the design.
“We forgot to put in gender neutral bathrooms. Also, we forgot to put in gender specific bathrooms. We forgot the bathrooms,” Bell said, using creative hand gestures and his mouth to appropriately demonstrate his meaning.
The $69 million project will be named after two former UAF professors: Kameel Toi Henderson and George “Moose” Nuckle. The Kameel Toi – Moose Nuckle building will leave a lasting impression on the legacy of UA President Patrick Gamble.