FUN STAR: NCAA formally apologizes for sanctions, admits to overreacting to violations
By Zayn Roohi
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
The NCAA issued a formal apology to UAF last Thursday afternoon for overreacting to minor violations and placing harsh sanctions on the university.
“After thinking about it, we realized that the actions of a few coaches more than five years ago really should have no effect on current athletes,” NCAA President Mark Emmert said during a press conference.
The move to apologize and remove the sanctions came after the NCAA realized that the only people that were getting punished were the athletes, Emmert said.
The turning point for Lenny Boheme, chairman of the infractions committee, was when he came to Fairbanks on personal vacation.
“You know, everyone was just so great, and I realized placing these sanctions was like stealing candy from a baby,” Boheme said. “It just wasn’t right.”
The committee also took into consideration the $30,000 fine placed on the university, which would have come directly out of student’s tuition fees. According to Emmert, it will in no way dissuade future coaches from committing violations again, as they wouldn’t be paying the fine or face any sanctions.
Responses varied across campus, from students who didn’t care, to athletes who were overjoyed.
“I just really wish they had made the decision three months ago when I could still play,” senior basketball player Tim Duncan said.
“My mother once told me to always stand up to the bully. I think that’s what UAF has done,” Athletic Director Gary Gray said.
The sanctions were placed on UAF last November, after the university self reported minor academic violations. The violations included things such as athletes not declaring majors or not having enough credits. The hardest hit sports were hockey, basketball and swimming, all of which had to give up the right to compete at regionals and nationals, forfeit all wins and give up scholarships.
The athletes were devastated by this, with one student going so far as to fax the NCAA an extremely explicit hate message.
Rumor has it that the NCAA is considering options for making it up to the athletes whose seasons they ruined. Emmert has denied these rumors, while Mark Lewis, NCAA Vice President, said that they are considering giving the athletes a sum of money or allowing another year of eligibility.
The NCAA also recently announced that they would consider paying athletes a percentage of the money they made off using their names and faces as advertisement.