FUN STAR: Police Blotter: April 1, 2015
By Chris Hoch
Sun Star Reporter
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
March 21, 2:48 p.m. – Suspicious vials of glowing green liquid were discovered in the flag circle. Police have confiscated the containers and are determining what the contents are, as well as investigating their origination.
March 26, 4:26 p.m. – Police discovered 32-year-old UAF student Alfred Tomson crushed underneath an unopenable refrigerator outside of the MBS complex.
March 25, 2:47 a.m. – Police arrested and assumed custody of 12 people who were in violation of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s emergency quarantine. All 12 are being charged with criminal trespass.
March 21, 1:36 p.m. – A complaint was filed about a possible meth lab at UAF in the Irvine building, whereat police discovered Wesley Tomson, UAF chemsitry instructor. Tomson was incoherent. He has been taken into custody and was killed later in the holding cell. Police are conducting an investigation regarding the lab.
March 24, 10:03 p.m. – Police responded to distress call and took Robert Borgson, 12-year-old UAF student from Austin, TX, into custody. Medical review found that the Borgson had rabies, and has resulted in an emergency quarantine to be instituted by the Department of Homeland Security.
March 25, 9:17 a.m. – Police received a noise complaint at the residence of the late Wesley Tomson. Upon investigation, police discovered several stolenandclassifieddocumentsaswell as a variety of unidentifiable drugs.
March 26, 4:25 p.m. – Police raided the residence of alleged notorious refrigerator thief Alex J. Clay, UAF resident, but discovered the residence was empty and that the window had been broken. There is a warrant for Clay’s arrest and he faces 45 charges of 2nd degree theft. Any information leading to Clay’s arrest will be met with a $10,000 reward.
March 21, 2:31 p.m. – An unidentified homeless man attacked and bit 14 people on UAF campus. He was shot when he attempted to attack police.
March 22, 2:05 p.m. – An angry mob of six, believed to have been using methamphetamine, attacked and killed five people on UAF campus, injuring another 16. Five were shot and killed by police, the remaining one, Leif Torvald, 19-year-old UAF student, has been taken into custody and is being charged with five counts of manslaughter. Two police officers sustained minor injuries from subduing Torvald.
March 23, 3:07 p.m. – A fight in the UAF PD holding cells has resulted in the deaths of six people, including Wesley Tomson, former chemistry instructor at UAF, who was under investigation for drug production.
March 28, 10:42 p.m. – An outbreak of mass hysteria resulted in 546 casualties at UAF, including 312 deaths and 234 injuries. Individuals believed that there was a zombie outbreak and had begun using lethal force. Four officers were killed and 12 more were injured, resulting in a police force incapable of continuing to work. Fairbanks PD will be providing all emergency police support to UAF. For more information regarding the identity of those killed or incarcerated, contact Fairbanks PD.
March 20, 11:14 a.m. – A series of classified documents from the United States Department of Homeland Security were stolen from the post office in Constitution Hall. Police have recovered the documents.
March 26, 4:27 p.m. – A van transporting evidence from a crime scene near MBS was hijacked by alleged notorious refrigerator thief Alex J. Clay. Clay’s whereabouts are unknown. There is a warrant for Clay’s arrest and he faces 45 charges of 2nd degree theft. Any information leading to Clay’s arrest will be met with a $10,000 reward.