Sustainability office plans mass migration with SIREN fee money
By Jesse Hoff
Fun Star Contributor
The following story is satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.
“One way that we could make this campus more sustainable is if we all left during the winter,” said Sustainability Director Mike Golub at a meeting last Monday, “The amount of energy that we consume during the cold dark months is gigantic.”
Golub may be on to something, according to a recent study done by a computer that found that humans weren’t meant to live in the Arctic. Golub proposes moving the student body to Southern California for the winter months.
“We could just pack the entire student body into buses and head south,” said Golub, “just like the Sandhill Cranes do.” The decision whether to head south or not will be decided at the next ASUAF meeting where ex-president Adrian Triebel plans to make a guest appearance in order to sway the student body to come to Washington D.C.
The renewable energy fee collected this semester will total a little over $120,000, which the Chancellor has promised to match. “That surely is enough to pay for gas,” said Golub.
With the support of Outdoor Adventures, Golub plans to bring tents and sleeping bags on the trip and intends to set-up camp somewhere in the desert. “We could make it a tradition like Starvation Gulch or Burning Man,” said Golub. In addition, Golub plans on getting film students to document the migration to use as a model for other northern Universities such as South Dakota State.
UAF Chancellor Brian Rogers, initially against the idea of a mass migration, finally warmed up to it saying, “Southern California could open new possibilities for struggling film majors.” He also said that the move south would make UAF the front-runner in the upcoming Sustainability Cup Challenge against UAA. “The rules of the competition are a little vague when it comes to who wins,” said Rogers, “which is definitely to our advantage.” He added that if the student population were to live in tents somewhere in the California desert there would be little UAA could do but follow suit.
A concern voiced by many students that are from the Fairbanks area is the distance and time that students would need to spend away from family. “Part of college is about trying something new and slowly learning to be on your own,” said sustainability activist Kyra Higglebrand, “This would be a great opportunity to finally do something revolutionary.”
Another unlikely supporter of the plan is the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), which stated in recent documents that a total shut down of the University would drop particulate matter (PM 2.5) during the winter months and would pull Fairbanks out of its non-attainment status.
“Overall I think it’s a sound idea,” said Golub, “We would just have to work out some logistical matters with our instructors.”