FUN STAR: UA rescinds smoking ban, says, ‘It’s time to put students first’

By Sam Allen


(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)

At last month’s UA Board of Regents meeting Patrick Gamble decided against implementing a smoking ban across all campuses given faculty, staff and student resolutions all opposing the ban.


Vice Chancellor Mike Sfrega and Chancellor Brian Rogers step out of a BOR meeting for a quick smoke. – Danny Fisher / Layout Editor

“We need to put the students first, not my legacy,” Gamble said.

Last semester, when the smoking ban was announced, UAF Chancellor Brian Rogers said they wouldn’t have smoking police, they would just rely on the UAF community to self enforce the rule.

“I realize now that advocating peer-pressure and encouraging discrimination against students of any kind to enforce a law is unethical and violates my duty to ensure a safe campus,” he said.

Rogers, disgusted with himself, said he contemplated stepping down but decided to apply for the UA presidency instead.

“Personally, I enjoy students smoking next to the vents outside Gruening,” Mike Sfraga, UAF Vice Chancellor, said.

After the announcement, students gathered together in the shadow of the heat and power plant to insist on a smoking ban, arguing that if people continue to smoke on campus they’ll pollute the air with toxins and might engage in other insidious activities like smiling.

Gamble responded by saying, “The university should lead by example and instead of hypocritically asking students to change their behavior before we change ours. We’ve got a heat and power plant burning coal that contributes more to bad air quality than all the smokers combined. Let’s do something about that.”

His words were met by boos from the crowd.

“This doesn’t make sense,” Kurtis Fuller, junior justice student, said. “I understand we don’t have the right to carry guns on campus, and banning smoking cigarettes is just as important. They could potentially kill someone.”

Gamble responded to the crowd by saying, “Students pay to live and take classes here, they deserve the right to smoke outside of their front door. I know I would, but my lawn crew always stares at me like they want something.”

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