FUN STAR: UAF admits to hating the CLA
By Dianna Rupp
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
In a Thursday press release about UAF’s latest batch of budget cuts, Chancellor Roogers admitted he had, “No idea why College of Liberal Arts students were even here to begin with.”
Citing a recent survey of UAF students that indicated only those within the engineering field are happy with the way their departments are maintained and operated, Chancellor Roogers went on to clarify that, “We’ve been trying to make them leave for years. We cut their funding almost entirely and put them in collapsing buildings. They just won’t leave. They’re like a fungus.”
While the administration may claim to have been subtly trying to show their feelings for years, no CLA department was more shocked about UAF’s higher-ups sudden disdain than the philosophy department.
“We thought they loved us,” Joñathañ Quiñoñes, senior philosophy and political science student, said. “We’ve been hosting all these demonstrations and making all these petitions and this is how they react? That’s mad disrespect, son.”
Refusing to limit themselves to only verbal distaste, UAF has found numerous other ways to slowly pick away at the department, including the attempted repurposing of the recently created Joseph Thompson Memorial Scholarship. The scholarship in itself is meant for philosophy students, but it can be awarded to any CLA student that fits the GPA requirements if there are no philosophy students that do.
Not being one to let $15,000 slip through their fingers, UAF accepted the initial scholarship, but has since been attempting to change the clause dictating philosophy students are the first pick to, “Any [engineering] student that can give an [approximate] definition of philosophy.” Administration initially explained their push to change the wording as simply “not wanting to discriminate against certain students,” though they have since redacted their reasoning to a simple, “because we need money.”