FUN STAR: UAF decides to cease wi-fi funding
By Addis Gonzalez
Sun Star Reporter
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
After the Office of Information Technology’s (OIT) recent report that 95 percent of UAF students cannot access the internet on a daily basis, the Office of Management & Budget has stated that the Wi-Fi will be cut as of April 1st.
With the connection failures occurring daily, UAF no longer sees the point of funding something that only works occasionally, according to Tim Berners-Lee.
The controversial internet access portal, codenamed “eduroam,” which started in 1999, had its peak year in 2008 with 15 percent of UAF students able to access the internet.
“I don’t really get what the big fuss is, I download 200GB of educational videos a night,” Cindy Lu, freshman biology student said.
OIT decided that maintaining a reliable Wi-Fi connection wasn’t absolutely essential, even after taking into account the many classes that use Blackboard as an access point for lecture notes and for posting grades.
Another large factor the budget committee took into consideration were online classes.
“How will I ever finish my degree if I do not have access to the most preliminary resource needed for online classes?” asked Ben Dover, a sophomore justice B.A. student in the full degree program offered by the eLearning and Distance Education program.
The other affected 2,138 eLearning and Distance Education enrolled students were not pleased, as their degrees were suspended indefinitely.
Online course instructors are also coping with the big news.
“I’m going to miss imagining my living room full of eager students ready to learn ‘Introduction to Typing,’ but it’s time to move on to my next big roll in society as a virtual golf instructor,” Chris Bradley, 2011’s Virtual Teacher of the Year, said.
Student clubs will also be greatly affected by this budget cut, such as the Cyber Defense Club, who will no longer have a cyber world to defend.
The Gaming Society will be mourning the loss of their online gamer members all through next week and will hold a ceremony in their honor at sunset in the Wood Center Ballroom on Thursday.
“Because of this tragic event, I will now be donating all my gaming time to the Board Game Club,” former FarmVille aficionado, Vannevar Bush said.
The Office of Management & Budget disclosed, “We apologize for any inconvenience this may create for the students, faculty and staff. To express our condolences, we will have one last Goodbye to the Wi-Fi pizza party at the Wood Center for the final hours of the UAF Wi-Fi era.”
ASUAF is willing to help 21st century students cope with this lack of technology through group therapy sessions and a “Ways to Get Around Without the Internet” informational program where students will be reintroduced to resources offered by the Rasmuson library.