FUN STAR: ASUAF finishes meeting with no petty arguing
By Eric Bennett
(This piece satirical and should not be taken seriously.)
At this week’s ASUAF meeting, all bills were accounted for without anyone partaking in childish bickering.
“Usually I’d love to accuse someone of not following the rules of procedure, but it just wasn’t in me today,” Calvin Hodge, ASUAF senator, said.
The rules of procedure, which dictates the appropriate course of actions during a meeting, is suppose to keep order. However, the rules often result in debating about the rules.
“I think it’s important that we keep this as realistic of an environment as possible,” Senator Melissa Tupper said. “When I graduate, I want a career in government. If I don’t learn how to hold up bureaucracy now, when will I?”
On average, an ASUAF meeting takes approximately a hour. This includes 15 minutes of roll call, five minutes of presenting bills and 40 minutes of making motions to close debate and debating what “close debate” means and then making a motion to close debate on debating what “close debate” means.
“This was the smoothest meeting we’ve ever had,” Hodge said. “We shouldn’t be throwing money around willy-nilly like this. I mean, we pass almost every bill that comes through, but if I can’t question the ethics of making scholarships for left-handed people, then what’s the point?”
ASUAF President John Woodrow, who is usually one who helps prevent baseless quarrels by reminding people, “You’re the only ones who come to these meetings. Stop trying to show off,” was seen glaring from his throne at the head of the room at every senator who tried speaking out of turn.
Martin West, who had been an active member in ASUAF for four years, resigned as soon as the meeting closed. He refused to comment on the situation.
“This is out of order. I motion for you to stop calling me. All in favor? Aye. Motion passed unanimously,” he said in a phone interview and then hung up.
Several senators said that the resignation didn’t surprise them. In the past, senators have resigned because they accidentally mispronounced a word, didn’t get the model of printer they wanted for the ASUAF office and for being on the losing side of a debate, among other things.
“Honestly, I’m worried that the next meeting might be even more efficient,” Tupper said.